Start Important Conversations with Your Children

Parenting can be demanding at the best of times, and, to have important conversations about difficult issues can sometimes feel like stepping over a precipice. Yet it has to be done, and we must find ways to do so that are easier on both ourselves and our children.

In this article, I’ll be talking about various techniques that help the process for both you and your child.

Manage Your Emotions

If you’re feeling stressed about addressing an issue, or angry with your child or someone else, it’s not going to help to bring the full extent of your emotions into the situation. Your child very quickly picks up on your feelings, and it may stress him or her even further.

So, take some time to calm down…doing whatever you normally do to reduce the emotions. Naturally, if this involves grief, the pain will be there, but you’ll be able to control it. At least for as long as it takes to help your child deal with the traumatic situation.

Find A Cosy Spot for the Chat

If at all possible, find a quiet, peaceful spot to talk to your offspring face to face without fear of interruption. It should preferably be a place that they associate with good feelings - a place of security and safety.

This will help them engage meaningfully with you without feelings of fear and insecurity interrupting the process.

Introduce the Topic Gently

Introduce the topic in very gentle terms. If they keep getting into trouble in school, “I spoke to your headmaster today, and I heard that some negative things are happening there. Would you like to let me know what’s going on?”

Or, if someone in the family has passed away, “I have some very sad news to tell you….” will help your child to prepare emotionally for what is coming. .

Use the language of your religious community, if you’re part of one, to help you. For instance, the idea of someone ‘going to heaven’ introduces the idea that they’re not gone forever.

Give Your Child Permission to Feel Negative Emotions

It’s important to give your child permission to feel negative emotions in the initial phase. If it’s the situation at school , you could say something like, “Perhaps you’re doing these things because you’re feeling angry.”

You don’t want to pass judgement on his or her anger at this stage, but give them permission to acknowledge and own it.

The same thing with grief. It’s important to give the child permission to feel sad, even if they believe their loved one has gone to heaven.

What’s more, it’s important to let them know how you feel too. That you’re also grieving or upset. But without making them feel responsible for your feelings, and without giving way to those feelings at that point in time.

Let Your Child Lead the Conversation Further

As the conversation develops, it’s a good idea to let the child lead the conversation along. Ask them if they have any questions or statements they’d like to make. It would be a bad idea to introduce something to them that they’ve not thought of, and worry them further.

The only time to break this rule is in times of death or divorce, when you can let the child know that whatever’s happened is not their fault. This is often not voiced, but is a real issue, and needs to be stated.

Conclusion

It’s always challenging to talk to your children about tricky subjects, but using the above guidelines,  you'll have a good start.